Soggy and Scraping
This morning I'm really frustrated, and I don't feel very good about myself.
Two nights ago, I made dinner for my husband like usual and of course I thought I was making a delicious recipe. Naturally, I put my own little spin on it (I sometimes don't have all the required ingredients). I thought it would taste really good. But when the first bite hit my tongue, it tasted like disappointment. And spiciness, of which neither my husband or I can handle very much of.
Basically, the food didn't have very much flavor. And what flavor it did have, the hot spice took precedence. We forced our way through it, as I apologized more than once to my husband about how bad it was. Making good food is something that I want to be able to do naturally, but it doesn't always turn out that way.
The next day, I decided to make linguine with creamy tomato sauce and green beans. Well, when my husband came home from work I was in the middle of making it. I'd cooked the noodles, and only a couple more ingredients needed to be added to the sauce. But within a few minutes of my husband arriving, I got called out. I'd been asked to do something at church that was optional. I hadn't committed, but knew I probably should have gone. I mentioned it to my husband, fifteen minutes prior to the said event starting. He asked why I was at home and not at church. I said I didn't want to go because (insert excuses). He told me I should go, and I said fine but he had to finish making dinner, then got overwhelmed because the next thing he said was "he'd hoped we could have dinner together". And I was like "yes, yes I would have liked to spend some time with you today, too, but now you're making me feel guilty, etc." I left in tears. Not dramatic tears, but tears nonetheless. I felt like a loser because I'd made a mistake and the consequence was not being able to spend time with my husband that day. If I'd just let him know I had to be somewhere he could have come home earlier (I'd also taken a nap that day, too, which made me feel extra lazy).
So anyway, I went to the church thing. And when I got home, I noticed my husband hadn't eaten the dinner I made him. The reason being, I'd cooked the noodles too long and they were soggy. So he'd made something else to eat. . . .This brought more tears. How can I fail one day by making food too spicy, and the next day need accountability to make it to something I should have gone to, and then fail at making NOODLES. Noodles are not hard. And my mom is a great cook so why can't I do this?? Why can't I be a good wife and make my husband tasty things?
I personally felt like a soggy noodle myself that night. And into the next morning (this morning), I am only just now starting to stand up a little straighter. I actually realized something about cooking that might apply to my life. When I cook, I typically just rush through what I'm doing (efficiency, people) instead of taking my time and tasting the food as I go. This is so like me. Not stopping to listen. Not stopping to ask if what I'm doing is good and of value. Tasting my food as I cook is kind of like stopping to talk in the middle of the day, even when I'm tired or feeling like I don't have enough time. If I ask Him how I'm doing, He can tell me what I need to add or take away in that day/moment. If I pass Him by, however, the end result could be sloppy noodles or terrible spicy food that no one wants to eat. But I want to have a delicious life! Does that makes any sense?
These are not glamorous words. I'm just sharing that I have been RESISTING God. He is asking me to be obedient over and over again. To be obedient in coming to Him and finishing what He's asked me to do. In being still with Him. But I am so worried about the future, in what job I should do, and ... to be honest ... I'm really exhausted from it. I want so badly to do what God has for me, but I worry all the time about what that is. And I try to find it online, on Craigslist, on Indeed.com, and with my own ideas.
I cannot find my purpose or calling on Craigslist, though. Who am I kidding?
"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand."
- Psalm 37:23-24
God is the One I want directing my steps. Communicating with Him and seeking Him will direct my way.
"The Lord your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness, where you have seen how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place." - Deuteronomy. 1:30
God is literally preparing the way for me. Why would I try to create my own plan when the very God who made me already has a path for me. It is undoubtedly unimaginably better than my own path, my own path that I am basically trying to carve out with a little stick (sarcastic look). I imagine this is God as He's looking at me on my knees scraping the ground.
"C'mon, Joanna.
Turn around, and go to that thing I already gave you. Don't worry about messing up, or what other people think.
Go back.
You can't see yet what the finished product will look like, but I made this way especially for you . . .
Do you realize how much I love you and how completely I know your heart?
Turn around."
Two nights ago, I made dinner for my husband like usual and of course I thought I was making a delicious recipe. Naturally, I put my own little spin on it (I sometimes don't have all the required ingredients). I thought it would taste really good. But when the first bite hit my tongue, it tasted like disappointment. And spiciness, of which neither my husband or I can handle very much of.
Basically, the food didn't have very much flavor. And what flavor it did have, the hot spice took precedence. We forced our way through it, as I apologized more than once to my husband about how bad it was. Making good food is something that I want to be able to do naturally, but it doesn't always turn out that way.
The next day, I decided to make linguine with creamy tomato sauce and green beans. Well, when my husband came home from work I was in the middle of making it. I'd cooked the noodles, and only a couple more ingredients needed to be added to the sauce. But within a few minutes of my husband arriving, I got called out. I'd been asked to do something at church that was optional. I hadn't committed, but knew I probably should have gone. I mentioned it to my husband, fifteen minutes prior to the said event starting. He asked why I was at home and not at church. I said I didn't want to go because (insert excuses). He told me I should go, and I said fine but he had to finish making dinner, then got overwhelmed because the next thing he said was "he'd hoped we could have dinner together". And I was like "yes, yes I would have liked to spend some time with you today, too, but now you're making me feel guilty, etc." I left in tears. Not dramatic tears, but tears nonetheless. I felt like a loser because I'd made a mistake and the consequence was not being able to spend time with my husband that day. If I'd just let him know I had to be somewhere he could have come home earlier (I'd also taken a nap that day, too, which made me feel extra lazy).
So anyway, I went to the church thing. And when I got home, I noticed my husband hadn't eaten the dinner I made him. The reason being, I'd cooked the noodles too long and they were soggy. So he'd made something else to eat. . . .This brought more tears. How can I fail one day by making food too spicy, and the next day need accountability to make it to something I should have gone to, and then fail at making NOODLES. Noodles are not hard. And my mom is a great cook so why can't I do this?? Why can't I be a good wife and make my husband tasty things?
I personally felt like a soggy noodle myself that night. And into the next morning (this morning), I am only just now starting to stand up a little straighter. I actually realized something about cooking that might apply to my life. When I cook, I typically just rush through what I'm doing (efficiency, people) instead of taking my time and tasting the food as I go. This is so like me. Not stopping to listen. Not stopping to ask if what I'm doing is good and of value. Tasting my food as I cook is kind of like stopping to talk in the middle of the day, even when I'm tired or feeling like I don't have enough time. If I ask Him how I'm doing, He can tell me what I need to add or take away in that day/moment. If I pass Him by, however, the end result could be sloppy noodles or terrible spicy food that no one wants to eat. But I want to have a delicious life! Does that makes any sense?
These are not glamorous words. I'm just sharing that I have been RESISTING God. He is asking me to be obedient over and over again. To be obedient in coming to Him and finishing what He's asked me to do. In being still with Him. But I am so worried about the future, in what job I should do, and ... to be honest ... I'm really exhausted from it. I want so badly to do what God has for me, but I worry all the time about what that is. And I try to find it online, on Craigslist, on Indeed.com, and with my own ideas.
I cannot find my purpose or calling on Craigslist, though. Who am I kidding?
"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand."
- Psalm 37:23-24
God is the One I want directing my steps. Communicating with Him and seeking Him will direct my way.
"The Lord your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, and in the wilderness, where you have seen how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place." - Deuteronomy. 1:30
God is literally preparing the way for me. Why would I try to create my own plan when the very God who made me already has a path for me. It is undoubtedly unimaginably better than my own path, my own path that I am basically trying to carve out with a little stick (sarcastic look). I imagine this is God as He's looking at me on my knees scraping the ground.
"C'mon, Joanna.
Turn around, and go to that thing I already gave you. Don't worry about messing up, or what other people think.
Go back.
You can't see yet what the finished product will look like, but I made this way especially for you . . .
Do you realize how much I love you and how completely I know your heart?
Turn around."
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